Conscious Comforting: A Relationship Hack for Struggling Romantics

Sometimes hugging our partner really means holding ourselves.

Need to calm yourself? Need to calm your partner? Need to calm you both?!!! Sometimes couples pass anxiety back and forth like a shared panic attack.

Assuming we’re not talking long term disconnection or downright interpersonal incompatibility, there might just be a tool to address all of those scenarios; a method of calming the nervous system in a way that relies on both you and your partner but without talking!

For some of you this will be a welcome change of pace. For you others, don’t worry, this won’t replace communicating your needs verbally, but it just might make that process easier!

What the hell am I talking about, you ask? Well, Mindful Hugging, of course! Aka, “Conscious Comfort,” aka, “Hugging Until Relaxed” as coined by David Schnarch in his book, “Passionate Marriage.”

This is not an absent minded embrace and it’s not about holding each other, it’s about holding yourself. You CAN quiet yourself when your partner feels overwhelmed. You do NOT have to pull away or calm them down in order to calm yourself. 

Some of us welcome physical contact as a solution and some of us find it challenging, even suffocating at times. If you’re someone in the latter group, you may have to push yourself but in the end, it's more effective to lean into the discomfort than the old “run and hide” trick. I see you retreating to your man cave. Come on out and play little Grizzly!

As uncomfortable as it sometimes feels, experiencing a little bit of emotional “suffocation” isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Your brain’s threat detection system has been tuned to needs that you’ve probably long outgrown. In fact, exposing yourself to the very thing that you’re avoiding is typically the best solution to becoming comfortable with it! But rest assured, if you’re feeling suffocated because your partner needs some comfort or affection, giving them a hug will not actually cause you to suffocate. I promise!

Since we know you’re not going to die from your partner's hugs, perhaps now we can change how we think about and perceive that hug. Whatever you’re telling yourself about hugs probably isn’t true (not talking trauma here). So, how about we tell ourselves absolutely anything we fucking want? Hell, if we can convince ourselves that hugs are suffocating, perhaps we can substitute a more intentional positive spin and one that’s actually true! 

What’s the actual truth? Extended hugging can help destress your nervous system by lowering your blood pressure and heart rate, improving your mood, and helping your body feel safe so it can complete the stress cycle (Nagoski and Nagoski, 2020). 

And perhaps more importantly, you learn to manage intolerable emotions in a comforting and safe way. Will this be true 100% of the time? Of course not. But, with regular practice of these special elongated safe intentional hugs, over time you should notice more tolerance and and capacity to handle situations where either you are losing it, your partner is losing it, or you both are losing it!  Now where did that suffocation go… 

Hopefully I’ve stoked your curiosity enough to justify giving it a try. Find your partner and start here:

Instructions

1. Stand on your own two feet; don’t lean on each other.

2. Put your arms around your partner.

3. Focus on yourself.

4. Adjust or move if you need to feel more physically comfortable, just gently acknowledge it.

5. Feel the sensations where your bodies touch.

6. Focus on your breath and the sensations of touch.

7. Slow your breathing until you feel a shift within yourself.

8. This may take as little as 20 seconds or it may take several minutes. There’s no right or wrong amount of time.

9. Quietly check in with your partner if they need more time.

10. Express gratitude.