“Every moment is an opportunity to practice.”
- unknown source

Thanks for tuning in to another episode of Mindful Manhood! Sorry, if it's confusing to call this an episode, I’m keeping the pressure on myself to plan future endeavors in which I go nuts on video!
In the prior episode I talked mostly about myself. It makes sense that the next step would be to clarify what this Mindful Manhood stuff is all about. So let’s start with those two crucial words: “Mindful” and “Manhood.”
First Off, Why “Manhood?”
What strikes me most about dictionary definitions of “manhood” is their scope; “manhood” can transcend gender and simply mean being a human, or it can signify the lump of skin hanging between the legs of roughly half those humans. Quite the contrast!
Manhood Definitions (Merriam-Webster and Oxford Languages) |
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When I think about manhood, I’m definitely thinking about masculinity, particularly the idea of “proving it.” We frequently yet unconsciously feel the need to remind ourselves or demonstrate to others that we’re not just men, but MASCULINE men, you know, REAL men. On the surface it sounds silly to “prove” your manhood. And, it is. And, it’s also a core reason why I decided to create content: to disrupt singular mandates for how to be sexual and how to be in a relationship as an authentic masculine human.
What do you think of when you think of manhood?
Why “Mindful?”
Being an authentic masculine human means checking oneself regularly and not allowing our reactive nature to dominate when emotions inevitably arise. The problem is not the emotion, the problem is how we handle it. We have the emotional intelligence systems and tools built into us as humans but our socialization often keeps us from accessing or using them constructively (e.g. self-awareness and self-soothing). One such “tool,” being mindful, keeps us engaged with our true nature rather than succumbing to the need “to prove our manhood” whether sexual or interpersonal.
So, how does being mindful work? I conceptualize being mindful the way it was first popularized in the 1990’s, that includes three parts I elaborate on below*:
(1) focused attention, (2) in the present moment, (3) without judgment:
Focused attention - a single object of mental focus; i.e. most of the time our brains cannot accurately perceive more than one stimulus at a time. Simultaneously savoring the juicy goodness of your partner’s caresses whilst distracted by tomorrow’s work deadline means the sensual caresses will not be perceived in their rich and juicy fullness. If you pick any pleasurable sensation and ignore it, guess what? Your experience of the pleasure in that moment diminishes. Seems like a no-brainer but this willful neglect is at the root of so many sexual (and life) struggles! Furthermore, most sex therapists I’ve talked to agree that great sex CAN ONLY HAPPEN with some degree of focused attention. I agree. What’s your experience say?
In the present moment - being mindful also means focusing on what’s happening RIGHT NOW. Worrying about the future and ruminating about the past keeps us from engaging with and enjoying what we’re experiencing RIGHT NOW. Sexually, being in the present means letting go of worries about erections or orgasms and focusing awareness on sensation and pleasure. Sensations happen in your body and only in the present. Pleasure comes from sensation. If you’re thinking about the past or future, your attention is in your head, not your body. Focus on the body, attend to sensation and let the resulting pleasure guide you.
Without judgment - regardless of the thoughts, feelings, and sensations we experience, we don’t cling to or push them away. we let them run their course. Often we react to uncomfortable thoughts and feelings or a lack of sensation as “Oh no! I don’t like this! Why now?!!!” It’s bad enough to have pleasurable sensations interrupted but when it’s our own minds distracting us with judgments about our experience, we’re really just fucking ourselves at that point. Instead of getting distracted or caught in unhelpful reactions, we endeavor to stay present, continue tuning in to sensation, observe and label any distractions for what they are and refocus our attention back to sensation. Have I mentioned pleasurable sensations yet?
The ability to identify and label our thoughts, feelings, and sensations, in the present moment, regardless of their perceived desirability, is the core of mindful emotional regulation. The ability to regulate our emotional experience allows us to skillfully respond to surprise, frustration, or disappointment, rather than avoidance, overwhelm, or unhelpful reactive behaviors. Losing an erection and storming out of bed is decidedly NOT skillful management of emotion. Acknowledging that you might need more time, a different activity, or changes to your sexy time ritual would be a more skillful response.
Lastly, being mindful is a capacity and skill that can be improved. But it ain’t easy! This shit takes practice! We’re likely already experts at mindlessness after decades of conditioning. Finding peace in a storm of unwanted and uncomfortable emotion doesn't usually come overnight. However, I won’t ask you to develop a mindful meditation routine (although I highly recommend it!). But, I will ask you to maintain the ongoing intention to practice being mindful. Practice, practice, practice. Every moment is an opportunity to practice!
What then, is Mindful Manhood?
Ultimately I chose the word “manhood” because I love the double entendre. Manhood at its broadest level refers to our common humanity. At its most specific, just a dick. Being raised a man often results in sacrificing the authentic connection to each and instead embracing external beliefs that maintain our compliance to perceived social norms of masculinity. The cultural imperatives for manhood prescribes both a limited humanity (i.e. cutting off most emotional expression) as well as unrealistic sexual performance standards (e.g. always horny, easy enduring erections, and control of orgasms). I chose “mindful” because it is the precursor to ethical and responsible behavior; acting with intention versus acting mindlessly or impulsively. You can leave sex, the relationship, or life to chance, or, you can really start slowing your mind down and paying attention. We actually have a choice.
Tying this all together, for me, Mindful Manhood means:
Living in the present moment with the ongoing intention to identify and skillfully express the full range of authentic human emotions and needs in all interpersonal and sexual relationships.
Let me know your thoughts!
*Kabat-Zinn, Jon (1990). Full Catastrophe Living
Practical Application
Sometimes our past conditioning has created well worn grooves in our neural pathways and it may seem like our behavior is just “our nature” or “how I am built.” However, much of “how we are” is learned. Not all of it of course, we do have genetic predispositions. But when our behavior reinforces the same messages repeated throughout childhood and beyond, it can really feel like we were “born that way.” For the persistent negative self-talk leftover from past conditioning, we might find it useful to develop a script or mantras to counter the long running stories we tell ourselves.
With regard to sexual experiences, many of us believe we can force ourselves to have erections or to feel aroused. The unfortunate truth is arousal and orgasms will never be created on demand. However, we CAN clear the path so they’re more likely to happen.
Replacing negative self-talk with compassionate language takes practice but no better time than the present! Have I mentioned practice yet?
Finding the right language to fit your situation is personal but here are two sets of alternative self-talk language that you might be able to tweak to help clear YOUR path:
Time to arousal often takes longer with a partner
I’m not in a hurry
Let go of any urgency
Find the sensation. Follow the pleasure.
The more intentional I act, the more in tune with myself I become.
The more in tune with myself I become, the less I get stuck in my head.
The less I get stuck in my head, the more I can be in my body.
The more I’m in my body, the more sensation I’ll notice.
The more sensation I notice, the more pleasure I’ll discover.
The more pleasure I discover, the more likely I’ll experience arousal and orgasm.
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