Get Out of Your Head and Into Your Mouth: A Sexual Practice?

Too many of my sex therapy clients report a sense of urgency to make something happen in the bedroom; e.g. “I need an erection NOW!”, “I better come SOON!” These are typically False Needs representing some conditioned belief rooted in sexual myths about the imperative nature of erections and orgasms. Contrast these False Needs with our Authentic Needs which, for most people, in most sexual situations, center on pleasure and connection.

If we’re not attuned to our Authentic Needs in sexual situations but instead mindlessly motivated by False Needs, our focus will likely be dominated by goal attainment rather than pleasure. Most of the time this operates outside our awareness because our minds become soooooo overtaken by our own worrisome thoughts. Being mindful tunes us into our Authentic Needs by shifting our focus from the grip of unhelpful conditioned beliefs to those of pleasure and connection. 

When we shine the light of awareness onto our thoughts, feelings and needs, we learn to better manage negative emotions and respond more effectively when our Authentic Needs go unmet. Unmet needs lead to negative emotions and conversely, we feel positive emotions when our needs are met. That’s the basic relationship between needs and feelings. The problem isn’t necessarily having or not having negative emotions, the challenge is expressing them skillfully. That all begins with recognizing them in the first place. 

Fortunately for us types who didn’t grow up learning to effectively identify and express feelings and needs, there is a way to practice both, in and out of the bedroom. What I’m offering isn’t new information, but hopefully it’s repackaged in a way that resonates with you. I’ll describe the process first, then you’ll have a chance to practice it for yourself.

The process involves four steps: Observe, Label, Remind, Return

1. Be intentional about observing thoughts, feelings, and sensations. The simplest, most common, and least invasive strategy for facilitating observation is what I call “S.T.F.D.,” or, Slow The Fuck Down! In other words, breathe…focus inward… Slooooooow the fuck down. Let go of urgency and just observe. Observe your thoughts. Observe your bodily sensations. Observe your feelings. Allow them to exist without needing them to change. Just observe with curiosity. If you can focus your attention on what you’re really feeling and needing WHILE they’re happening, this minimizes a knee jerk response and improves the chances of actually getting your needs met!

2. Label thoughts, feelings, and sensations. Once we’re observing our feelings and needs in real time, we can move to labeling our experience. This also demands that we S.T.F.D. We not only have to tune in but also mentally process our experience more deeply by finding words for and associating meaning to our observations. This intentionality of self-observation will facilitate deeper, more persistent learning and self-awareness. But, this too, can be challenging. So… Breathe. Acknowledge out loud to yourself and partner, “what’s going on within me at this moment? What am I thinking about? What am I feeling right now? What sensations stand out in my body?” Try stating something simple and concrete like:
   

   “I’m feeling hyped up right now. My mind is racing.”
   

   That’s all. No judgement, no interpretations, no problem solving. Just non-judgemental observation and labeling of thoughts, feelings, and sensations. Sound hard? No worries. Practice will make it easier. Practice. Practice. Practice.

3. Remind yourself of the False Needs at play and the futility of seeking them; e.g. the conditioned belief in on-demand erections or perfectly timed orgasms. These are not necessary for either pleasure or connection. Okay. Yes, they’re nice to have and it might be frustrating as hell to feel distant from those things but that’s exactly why we do the practice; we learn that frustration doesn’t have to work against us, it can simply be a reminder that we’ve lost our focus in this sexual moment and need to reset. A short counter script can help remind us to refocus attention and serve as an antidote for the worried part of our brain being dominated by negative thoughts and emotion. After we say,
   

   “I’m feeling hyped up right now. My mind is racing.”

   
   

   add in something like: [Breathe]

   “But I know that I’m not in a hurry. I can release the urgency and enjoy the pleasure and connection.” [Breathe] 
   

4. Return your attention to sensation, breathing, or touch. If you were doing a typical mindfulness meditation, you might follow your breath, repeat a mantra, or use thoughts and sound as a focal point for your attention. As your attention wavers you utilize those stimuli to redirect your attention. The good thing about sex is that you have the option to anchor yourself not just to your breath, but also to physical touch and to the pleasurable sensations generated in your body. When you enjoy having sex, you probably stay rooted in the pleasurable sensations of your body anyway. Your mind will inevitably wander outside the bedroom but that’s okay. Use the power of touch and sensation to anchor your presence back to the pleasure at hand. Adding in this final step, the entire inner dialogue might go something like this:

[Breathe]

“I’m feeling hyped up right now. My mind is racing. 

But I know that I’m not in a hurry. 

[Breathe] 

I can release the urgency and enjoy the pleasure and connection. 

[Breathe] 

Let me focus my attention back to the sensations in my body.”

[Breathe] 

5. Repeat Steps 1-4

Still not sure what I’m talking about? Or, perhaps you understand intellectually but are wondering if it will actually help? How about an experiential exercise to address those questions?

A simple illustration of this process can be found by doing my favorite Slow The Fuck Down exercise, “Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Mouth, or, more traditionally known as, “The Eating A Raisin Exercise.” So, grab a raisin, just one will do, and find a comfortable place to sit undistracted while you listen to the recording below.

After you’ve listened, try deepening your experience by writing out your answers to these three questions:

1. What thoughts, feelings, and sensations did I experience doing this exercise? 

2. How was this different from how I normally eat? 

3. How might this exercise relate to having sex?

The purpose of this exercise and mindful eating generally is to experience the way in which the ordinary activities of our life can be radically transformed, depending solely on our mental focus. Every moment is an opportunity to practice. Having frequent opportunities to practice ordinary activities with a more intentional focus throughout the day turns practice into new habits and tendencies.

Mindful eating can be a particularly powerful way to practice throughout the day without needing to take time from a busy schedule. This type of practice teaches us an alternative path for when unhelpful or distracting thoughts, feelings and sensations inevitably arise, both in and out of the bedroom! Observe. Label. Remind. Return. Enjoy that meal. It just might make your sex better!

Mindful-EatingKorey McWilliams

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Mindful Eating Audio File (43 mb) Transcript (2 pages)