Is Touch Really All That Important?

Even though human touch has numerous positive benefits, I remember many situations growing up when masculinity and touch seemed at odds; e.g. holding a baby, hugging friends or family, expressing love and caring. I’m not here to condemn masculinity but I am here to challenge myths that romanticize and reinforce narrow versions of masculinity; i.e. stoicism, not expressing emotion other than anger, joy, or horniness, and “please, please, please, don’t be soft and gentle.” When I hear these cultural imperatives, what I actually hear is, “don’t be human.” In this episode I briefly explore the relationship between masculinity and touch and its impact on three areas where human touch is not just beneficial but essential: infant growth and development, bonding in long term relationships, and having satisfying sex. 

Touch is Essential

Human touch is so crucial in the first weeks of life that prematurely born babies provided regular touch tend to sleep better, cry less, and regulate emotions more effectively than babies without such contact. Not providing touch during this crucial period facilitates a “failure to thrive” condition; i.e. delays in physical growth and cognitive development, higher emotional reactivity, and difficulty calming themselves. Experiencing the inherently calming influence of being held and soothed by others teaches us that our nervous system is capable of shifting from agitation to relaxation. Failure to have those experiences can leave us feeling anxious and nurtures the belief that the world is a cold and scary place. Developing the capacity to regulate emotional states during childhood provides an essential building block for how touch plays out later in life, both in long term relationships and in satisfying sex. 

Learning About Touch

Consider that boys and girls tend to learn about touch differently. In general, parents, even moms, stop picking up, holding, and cuddling with boys much earlier in life than girls. At some point during our childhood socialization, touch becomes associated with femininity. Watch parents react to a young girl falling down and a young boy falling down and you’ll quickly realize how differently parents view child vulnerability. When the little girl falls, the parents swoop in, maybe then the little girl starts crying. Sometimes the rush of parental concern flips her into really freaking out. Maybe now she’s really scared seeing her parents also scared. The parent, without delay, then picks her up, holds her tight, talks sweetly to her, strokes her, and most importantly, accepts her authentic emotional reaction unconditionally. 

Contrast that to when the little boy falls down. Parents, especially dads but also moms, keep distance, stand watch. WAITING. Not saying anything but hoping, sometimes PRAYING that their son doesn’t start crying, especially if out in public. If he takes too long or starts to look like he’s gonna cry, we may demand, “Come on. Get up! You’re fine. It’s nothing to cry about. You barely fell.” This is conditional acceptance. If the boy suppresses his authentic reaction (i.e. pain, fear) to match that prescribed by the parents, parental disappointment goes away. Most humans, especially children, will readily ignore their own authentic needs in exchange for the comfort of love and belonging. As a result of differential treatment by parents, girls learn to “trust their emotions” whereas little boys learn that their emotions are unwanted, unnecessary, and potentially invoke disapproval. 

The use of touch as a method to calm, soothe, and teach emotional self-regulation to young boys gets trumped by the belief that emotions have no place in boys and to comfort them is to coddle and deny them an opportunity to be strong; i.e. masculine. As a result, boys learn to suppress authenticity in the favor of placating insecure parents, which ultimately creates boys who are also insecure with their emotional expression. Extrapolate the above situation over multiple incidents over multiple months, years, or decades, and you can start to see that perhaps emotions and touch are less about the gender you were born into as much as the gender based expectations put upon you.

Bonding in Long Term Relationships

The need for touch extends far beyond childhood. Maintaining a lasting connection with a long term partner demands we endure periods of stress, conflict, and disconnection. Our capacity to withstand these periods is facilitated by our ability to self-regulate and coregulate. In other words, not always trying to go it alone but soothing ourselves with a partner physically present. One easy and accessible means to coregulate is affectionate touch; e.g. a relaxed and lingering hug. This can simultaneously calm ourselves while also calming a partner. Affectionate touch releases bodily chemicals (e.g. oxytocin) that enhance feelings of relaxation, pleasure, and attraction. This contributes to our capacity to work through our own stress and afflictive emotion while facilitating a long term intimate bond with our partner. That’s a win-win!

Sexual Relationships

Without ongoing experiences of regular touch in boys, as an adult, sex becomes the primary and often the ONLY way they’re able to express love and to feel connected to their partners. In my own early intimate relationships, I knew that I cared and loved my partners but to express that caring verbally was like trying to speak a foreign language I’d never been taught. The thing I COULD do was find pleasure through giving and receiving touch that my body seemed to crave. I remember my introduction to the “tickle scratch” with a high school sweetheart where we’d sit by ourselves in the family room and take turns slowly and gently running our fingernails all over each other’s bodies. Discreetly, of course. Sinking into that feeling really felt like I was floating in love. And I was! Remember oxytocin? I had no idea I was soaking my brain in the stuff with these extended touch sessions but I did know that I wanted more of them! In those sessions it felt like I was able to genuinely express my care and love for my partner solely through how I touched.

Satisfying Sex

For in-person partnered sex, arousal involves some level of physical contact. Mastering sex starts with mastering touch. Mastering touch demands that we learn both how to be affectionate and how to be gentle as well as how to be rough. Rough sex can be hot and mutually satisfying but it’s even hotter (and more practical) to have the flexibility to switch things up on the fly as needed. Gentle touch requires intention, which can sometimes get lost during the heat and passion of rough sex. The ability to harness variety and flexibility in the bedroom will take you much further than rigid adherence to manhood myths of dominance and rough sex. I don’t want to take away being rough or dominant, especially if you and your partners enjoy it. I only want you to consider expanding your repertoire so you have more options to pivot the action when needed. And trust me, it WILL be needed. Long term (sexual) relationships benefit from having a menu that includes all kinds of touch. 

When regular touch disappears from a boy’s childhood, its value often stays dormant until first sexual contact. Sex can become even MORE important as it then serves as compensation for one’s touch neglect. Oftentimes our cravings for sex might actually be a craving for touch or for emotional connection. But, is that what you’re gonna tell your boys before going out for the night? “Man, I’m gonna get so fucked up tonight.  I can’t wait to really connect with a one night stand. You know, really enjoy some sensual touch.” Yeah, I didn’t think so. But, why not?

When we’re craving sex, we might also be craving other things, things that we were not taught to value, like touch and connection. Feeling stuff. Not the stuff of REAL MEN. No wonder men seem like they only want one thing, except really, it’s multiple things! We just can’t muster the risk of vulnerability to even consider that possibility, let alone express those needs to a partner.

Culture expects men to be driven by sex, to always want sex, and to be ready to go any time, any place. As validating as it can be to achieve this goal, it is impossible to sustain and not always born of authentic motivation. Eventually life stress will catch up with you and you’ll be faced with feelings of overwhelm from work, family, your relationship, or another of life’s many challenges. How will you cope? Lacking the ability to express emotion verbally but ONLY through sex leaves many and their partners feeling disconnected when stressors and conflict arise. The cultural prescription for masculinity erects false expectations both for how we view our emotional life as well as the actual needs being met through sexual outlets; pleasure and emotional connection, not simply orgasm.

Challenge those outdated beliefs! Explore touching. All kinds of touching. Expand your menu. Firm, soft, rough, gentle, whatever you and your partner want! Express all your feelings and needs!